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fandom_clinic2023-12-25 07:44 pm
stykera) wrote in fandom_clinic2023-12-25 07:44 pm
Fandom Clinic, Monday 12/25 - HOW THE PINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
Every NPC down in Fandom Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Pinch, Who lived just in the clinic, Did NOT!
The Pinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his tank was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his shell was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His shell or his tank,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating all, to be frank,
Staring out from his tank with a sour, Pinchy frown,
At the warm lighted windows across the whole town.
For he knew NPCs out in Fandom outside,
Were busy now, celebrating the Yule Tide.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Pinch claws all nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
"Well," one nurse had said. "That explains his mood, doesn't it?" But they'd ignored the behavior and carried on with their day. And Stabby had continued his plans to ruin Christmas.
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE PINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Pinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Pinchy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Pinch looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Pinch? No! The Pinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
Fandom was, of course, full of teal deer and Stabby managed to harness one to a rickshaw. How? Who knows. It was Fandom. Just go with it.
Then the Pinch said, "Giddap!" The rickshaw started down,
Toward the homes where NPCs Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the NPCS dreamt sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Pinchy Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Pinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the NPC stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Pinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox, took the NPC's feast!
He took NPC-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Pinch even took their last NPC-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Pinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Pinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, saw a small NPC!
Little Cindy-PC, who was not more than three.
The Pinch had been caught by this NPC daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Pinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,”
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Pinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my worktank, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-PC went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To other NPC houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the NPC mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All the NPCs, still a-bed,
All the NPCs, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the stairs over Fandom
He rode with his load to the tiptop at random
"PoohPooh to the NPCs!" he was pinchishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the NPCs down in Fandom will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Pinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Pinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Fandom! The Pinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
NPCs down in Fandom, the tall and the small,
Were singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Pinch, with his crab-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Pinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Fandom they say,
That the Pinch's small shell Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his shell didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Pinch carved the roast beast!
And later Christmas morning the head nurse could be heard lecturing Stabby.
"Honestly. You're a grown crab. If you're grouchy because you're molting and you need some time to yourself you just need to tell one of us! You could go to Furnado if you needed some away time. You could have gone to visit your lobsters. Instead you spent a month ruining all our Christmas fun and then last night you went on a crime-spree? Come on, Stabby! Be better."
[With apologies to Dr. Seuss and thanks todoctorgingerspice and outofthequiver]
But the Pinch, Who lived just in the clinic, Did NOT!
The Pinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his tank was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his shell was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His shell or his tank,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating all, to be frank,
Staring out from his tank with a sour, Pinchy frown,
At the warm lighted windows across the whole town.
For he knew NPCs out in Fandom outside,
Were busy now, celebrating the Yule Tide.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Pinch claws all nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
"Well," one nurse had said. "That explains his mood, doesn't it?" But they'd ignored the behavior and carried on with their day. And Stabby had continued his plans to ruin Christmas.
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE PINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Pinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Pinchy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Pinch looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Pinch? No! The Pinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
Fandom was, of course, full of teal deer and Stabby managed to harness one to a rickshaw. How? Who knows. It was Fandom. Just go with it.
Then the Pinch said, "Giddap!" The rickshaw started down,
Toward the homes where NPCs Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the NPCS dreamt sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Pinchy Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Pinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the NPC stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Pinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox, took the NPC's feast!
He took NPC-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Pinch even took their last NPC-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Pinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Pinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, saw a small NPC!
Little Cindy-PC, who was not more than three.
The Pinch had been caught by this NPC daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Pinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,”
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Pinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my worktank, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-PC went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To other NPC houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the NPC mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All the NPCs, still a-bed,
All the NPCs, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the stairs over Fandom
He rode with his load to the tiptop at random
"PoohPooh to the NPCs!" he was pinchishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the NPCs down in Fandom will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Pinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Pinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Fandom! The Pinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
NPCs down in Fandom, the tall and the small,
Were singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Pinch, with his crab-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Pinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Fandom they say,
That the Pinch's small shell Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his shell didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Pinch carved the roast beast!
And later Christmas morning the head nurse could be heard lecturing Stabby.
"Honestly. You're a grown crab. If you're grouchy because you're molting and you need some time to yourself you just need to tell one of us! You could go to Furnado if you needed some away time. You could have gone to visit your lobsters. Instead you spent a month ruining all our Christmas fun and then last night you went on a crime-spree? Come on, Stabby! Be better."
[With apologies to Dr. Seuss and thanks to
doctorgingerspice and outofthequiver]
no subject